Artist Mom: on being legally freed for adoption

Boys,

When I'm having big feelings your mother tells me to just let them come. To breathe into it. This week I left for a couple days to do just that. 

I want you to know that the woman who gave birth to you but could not raise you did a very brave thing this week. Instead of keeping you in foster care any longer than the near 2 years you've been in it, she agreed to let you be adopted. By us. The two people you know as your parents. 

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The magnitude of her choice causes me to feel both great relief and enormous sadness at this time. We have sat with her for many hours through the lengthy process of her trial. We have come to appreciate the things about her that are good & worthy & human. This, in contrast to the choices she made which will impact all of you for the duration of your lives, is a dichotomy not easily balanced or reconciled. You will always know where you came from & we will always be transparent with you as your development will allow. 

On the day your birth mom relinquished her legal right to parent you, we were not there. This pains your mama, as not only did she wish to tell you about that day from her own perspective but more, because neither of us wanted your birth mom to be alone. This is a very sad thing. No one should have to do a thing like that all alone. You will always know who she is & you will see her as you age, if you wish. Know that we will support your individual choice & your relationships with her however they may shape over time. 

When your mama & I were first dating, I recall a conversation about luck versus destiny. A pragmatist, I am not a proponent of the former & she, an optimist, does not believe in the latter. And while I still feel mostly the same, as evidenced by the tattoo on my chest, her argument won me over regarding one exception. At the time, we were both working intimately with families in crisis & kids in care. She said to me, "your theory of everything happening for a reason does me no good when I'm talking to kids who've been treated so poorly. What am I suppose to say to them - this was your destiny? No. This was bad luck." 

And this is where I say to you that this news of your being legally free to adopt also brings to the foreground that we are choosing to adopt you boys and not your older brother & sister. We know that this may not make sense to you. Perhaps ever. You will someday know my story & that my siblings & I were separated & this is not a thing I would wish for any kid. We also know that we cannot do for all 4 of you what we can do for two of you. That is no more your destiny than it is ours. It's just the way things turned out. It is just luck. We got you. You got us. And while this brings me unspeakable joy, the scenario makes me so very sad right now. We are hopeful that your brother and sister are adopted by parents who will be what they need & that they will wish to continue building on the foundation we are laying & the bond you are creating. 

Boys, you have made me a mother. I imagined my first round of this very differently only because I was limited by not having known this type of journey an option. Adoption. Our first choice. Know that you are loved. Let us move forward. 

-Mom (the artist)

Read the Therapist's response here